Words, Thoughts, Expectations and Considerations

Last week at work my shift colleagues and I were considering what the day may bring, when one of my colleagues spoke out in unusual confidence, stating that we were going to have a good day. I couldn't help but warn him, "Don't say that," but an odd thing happened, the day did actually go pretty well. The weird thing about this? It showed that ultimately what we say doesn't really have any power over anything.

Why is this a big deal to me? Ever since I was young I learned not to boast about what I might or might not do, for fear of the worst happening. In recent years that has only increased, to the point where I wonder why my colleagues ask what I have planned for my days off. Nothing is set in stone any more, I'm always gearing for the worst, or at least attempting to. Sometimes even your worst projections don't cover all eventualities, or worse still, you're completely blindsided by what has taken place.

What is the worst case scenario that people talk about? How about the numerous people, who have recounted to us for years about how they didn't receive support while their children grew up, lost a home, encountered health problems due to overworking to meet commitments, etc. Are they wishing this on us? Of course not, but as soon as someone mentions it I end up thinking, "Well, that's obviously going to happen to us." Does it have to be this way? Certainly not. To I expect all the worst case scenarios to become reality? Yes. Does that make sense? No.

Although I don't think it is really talked about, you reach points in your life where you realise that you still have a lot to learn. Part of me thinks, "I'm 38, I should have everything figured out by now," although I clearly don't. I'm really just coming to realise that at the moment I'm a strange blend of pessimist and fatalist, where I expect things to go wrong and just accept that I can't change them. When it comes to other people, I can't change them, but when it comes to myself, my family, and things which I may not be able to altogether control but may have an opportunity to influence, then I owe it to myself to do everything I can to seek the best for my family.

Some of the issues that I see at work on a daily basis are brought about by expectancies. These come in all manner of forms, the expectancy that a service will break, that a team member may call up and ask for a holiday, or even the self-expectancy that I expect better performance from myself. What is the expectancy I have from life? That things are bad, that they will continue to be bad and that they won't get better. And so I come back to the lifelong battle I've had with my parents, where they exhort me to "think positive" and I wonder what the justification is for seeing anything positive on the horizon. Even then, every once in a while something positive does come along, even a pessimist like me sees that. The difficulty is in making changes to make positive events more frequent.

One of the changes I am going to need to make is to pay less attention to others. When I think about career options I consider what my in-laws will think. When my kids aren't happy I consider what other parents might think. When thinking about what I'm doing with my days off I think about what my colleagues will think about what I'm doing, and whether or not they think my life is boring/miserable/dull? I need to be less considerate of a lot of people, and actually put myself and my family first more often. Will everyone like it? I suspect not. Does it hopefully mean a better future for myself and my family? I hope so. Will all be plain sailing? Almost certainly not, but eventually we'll get there, in one form or another.

Single-Handed Silver Linings

Just a short entry this month, as it has been quite a month. This has included:

• My wife breaking her wrist, which has obviously meant that I've had to carry out more things at home. You just don't realise how much losing the use of one hand - however temporarily - makes life so difficult.
• My eldest getting a sickness bug, which was followed by...
• ... our youngest getting the same bug.

The good news? Although there was a point that it seemed never-ending, there is an end in sight. Both the girls are well now, and hopefully in two weeks Lorraine will be getting the plaster cast off her wrist (hopefully - cross your fingers!).

Things will get better, there's a glint of sunshine that I can just about see now.

Finding Fun, Finding Myself

As 2011 came to end I discovered something I didn't like about myself. Whenever I was seeing friends we would talk about what they had been up to, and then conversation would turn to what I had been doing in my spare time. Truth be told it was precious little. I had certainly joked about my lack of social life before, but this was a bit more serious. It felt a bit like life was passing me by, so I had to make a concerted effort in 2012 to try and get out and enjoy myself more.

Now it may not seem too much to be making sure I was getting out one night a month, but between my shifts, Lorraine's shifts and childcare, it was a small step that I could commit to. It allowed me to plan a little bit, and therefore try some new things to see what I might like and what I might not.

I feel like I have learned a few things from the experience, both in terms of what I like and also in regard to what I like to do. However much I may have tried other things (such as a night seeing live stand-up comedy and on one occasion a musical) I cannot get away from the fact that I don't enjoy anything as much as attending live sport. Additionally I have found that there is more to attend than just Football, as I have also especially enjoyed attending both local Ice Hockey and Basketball. In reality that has served as a reminder that I enjoy lots of sports, and also sadly that here in Central Scotland it will always be Football (or the Old Firm, if you prefer) that will be dominant, often at the complete expense of other sports.

For years I took myself to Palace matches by myself, and I therefore felt that I always enjoyed going to games by myself. However the past year has taught me that while attending events by myself is okay, I do prefer attending events with either friends or family. Perhaps it is not a coincidence that the things I didn't enjoy as much were the things I did by myself, even a few sporting events which I tried for the first time (sorry Greyhound racing fans, I'll never do that again, that was possibly one of the most miserable events I've ever attended in my life). I suspect I'm not the solitary cat I always thought I was, I do appear to like company, I just need to be less shy about asking if people would like to do things with me.

I have learned there is value in taking a bit of time for yourself. Yesterday I took myself down to Huddersfield to attend Palace's 1-0 defeat at the John Smith's Stadium. Again there was the realisation that "I enjoy this, why don't I do this more often?" Now it wasn't perfect, after all I was making the trip by myself, and the result could have been better, but I seem to enjoy the lack of guarantees that live sport presents. Later this season I'll be flying down to London with Lorraine and Chloe, for my eldest's first trip to see Palace. Now that should be fun. And I should make a point of doing it more often.

I have also learned that sometimes there is value in staying in, or at least in opting out. There were some months where the month was drawing to a close and so I forced myself to go out and try something, and just didn't enjoy it at all. I also found that there are times when there really isn't much taking place, and so the money spent on trying to find something you might enjoy is better saved and later spent on something you know you will enjoy.

Overall though this will continue to be an ongoing process, one which is refined and amended continually, as I both remember what I enjoy and still balance it with the commitments to my job and to my family. As selfish as it sounds though, what I cannot do is to completely ignore my own needs. The need to unwind, the need to do things that put a smile on my face, the need to do things that I'll look forward to. While it feels selfish, the benefits stretch out beyond me and into the lives of the people I care about. People who are happy when I'm happy, and the exact reason why I don't feel guilty any longer about putting myself first every once in a while.

Maybe It's Me?

Introduction: I've probably never felt so conflicted about writing a blog post. I've drafted, re-drafted and even considered not writing this one at all, but I think there is something to gain from writing it and sharing it. What I obviously hope is that it becomes something positive, and something to act as a springboard towards better things and a better place.

Quite an odd thing happened on my last visit to Selhurst Park two months ago. As security was tight for the visit of arch rivals Brighton access to local pubs was quite restrictive. Prior to confirming that attendees were Palace fans and ticket holders for home sections of the ground, the policeman by the bar of the pub I was in asked the barmaid if I was a regular. Thinking my annual visits would lead me to make other arrangements, the barmaid instead said, "Yes, I've seen him in here before."

Perhaps it was being kind, perhaps it was the need to have customers a full three hours before the game kicked off, but I was still somewhat astonished. I visit once a year and the barmaid still recognised me? It wasn't quite the landlady of my Gran's local recognising me at my Gran's wake a full eight years after my last visit, but it was still pretty good.

Do you know how many pubs I'd have that kind of a welcome in where I live? Let's try zero.

Okay, pubs in Scotland tend to be very different. Absolutely no football colours for the most part, many with caged windows and noted affiliations. Perhaps it is part of my shy nature, but they don't look particularly inviting. But that's not the point I'm really making, it doesn't matter if you're talking about a pub, a restaurant, cafe or coffee house, I'm not a regular at any kind of establishment like that. The only places I'm a really a regular is at the closest-to-home take-away and my hairdressers. I suspect knowledge of my name extends to whether I've ordered by phone before visiting the takeaway or if my hairdressers are looking through their appointment book.

It isn't just establishments though, it is people too. I've gone through a time where I feel I'm known to people just as "Lorraine's husband" or "Chloe and Jemma's Dad", which although nice, doesn't make me feel particularly cared about as an individual sometimes. As a result of this I sat and stewed for the entire month of February, looking at my phone and counting the days that it didn't ring, beep, light up or show any other form of communication coming in my direction. Frankly it was a pretty stupid and worthless exercise that did nothing for either my self-esteem or any of my friendships.

February became March and I continued to grumble, moan and dwell upon how I was becoming less and less important to people around me (plain wrong), how I'd never really had a best male friend in Scotland (as if anyone replaces your best friend, regardless of geography) and how things weren't likely to improve while most of my friends faded away (because if you're a pessimist like me you don't think about a time when even the worst situations bottom out and start to get better). All of this was stupid and self-defeating.

Quieter times in your life do come with some advantages. Sometimes more time to think is a good thing, and sometimes it is a bad thing. In the early stages for me it is bad thing, as time to think breeds negative thoughts. Eventually I tend to get to a more considered position, and in this case I thought about how I treat my friends as well. Would I ever want them to feel left out or not cared about? No. Have I ever made them feel left out or not cared about? I doubt it, I'm clearly the perfect friend. Err, no. I'm clearly an idiot who forgets his own inadequacies.

In the same pub where a barmaid said she recognised me I had one of those private moans to my best friend. As a good friend would do, he listened, and then in the nicest way possible pointed to a time in his life where he didn't hear very much from me and indeed wondered if we would drift apart as friends. In the coming days I figured out when it was (when he had a work placement/gap year and I was finishing university and trying to figure out what on earth was going on with my life), and then called him to ask him about it and ultimately apologise for it.

How did my best friend react to this? He calmly said it was nothing, that he understood, and that he forgave me. And you know why he did that? Because that's what friends should do. More importantly, that's what I should do, and if you want to use the present tense, it's what I should be doing. Did I ever care any less about my best friend? Of course not, but the thought of making him feel that way made me feel frankly ashamed of myself, in spite of how caught up I was in my own life at the time.

My best friend is a lot of things, but mostly he's smarter, kinder and funnier than I am. In fact most of my friends are smarter, kinder and funnier than I am. They're also more forgiving than I am, which only serves as a reminder to me that however often I think I have life figured out then I realise that I've got a whole lot more learning still to do.

Oh yes, and making amends and making adjustments, but I'm working on that.

Anger? Meh...

Over this past month I've discovered a problem I seemingly have with anger. These days I'm struggling to get angry about things.

Seemingly a good problem? Not to the people who pushed Rage Against the Machine to the top of the Christmas charts. Personally I didn't like the Joe McElderry/X-Factor Christmas single, but not enough to go out and buy anything else (as other people willingly admitted to).

In what I think was 1993 I remember being very amused by the thought of Mr Blobby being Christmas number one instead of Take That, now the thought of doing something to spite someone just doesn't appeal to me. On Facebook I likened it to Charlton Athletic's all-consumming bitterness towards Crystal Palace. When bitterness starts to define you in such a way that it is greater than your love/liking for something else I think that's pretty sad.

On top of that there is the matter of priorities. Do know the kind of thing that does make me angry? A few years ago a friend of mine told me about how his Mum was diagnosed with cancer, but only after visiting a hospital for the third time and insisting that she was examined as she was sure there was something wrong with her. A wife, a mother, who thankfully recovered in no part due to two doctors who had told her she had nothing to worry about.

Life and death. Personal health. Families and their homes. Those are the kinds of things which stir my feelings, not Simon Cowell's bank balance and/or ego. There are simply bigger things to worry about.